HOW TO BEHAVE IN A CLUB!!

It’s odd that there are so many people out there who do these things – but still, we live in a pretty varied world full of all sorts of people, who may or may not grasp the basics of social partying etiquette. So here is my personal guide to the “don’ts” of club behaviour!

1. Don’t take off your shoes!
This is two-fold. Firstly, it’s a huuuuuuge health and safety issue, and a club does not want to be sued because you were the idiot who took off your shoes and cut yourself on a piece of broken glass.
Secondly, feet stank in a hot club is nasty as fuck. Always wear clean socks and shoes and keep them on your feet at all times!

2. Following on from rule 1, don’t put your drinks/empty glasses on the fuckin’ floor. What the hell man, do you think that the glassie has eyes on his feet? There are tables provided for this purpose, and if you don’t have a table right in front of you, then use your drug-induced physical energy to help you walk to a surface upon which you can place your glass. Please.

3. Don’t fart on the d-floor!!! If you think you’re gonna drop a bomb, go outside or to the bathroom. You may think you’re stealthy, but EVERYBODY NOTICES and it’s gross as fuck. You may not understand this, but a small, tightly-packed sweaty club follows different rules of diffusion than, say, the open flowing air in a field. Don’t be that guy. You’re gross.

4. Stay off literally anything that is not either a seat or the floor. No, you can’t go stand on top of the speakers, or dance on the bar, or try to stand in the DJ booth. Just don’t.

5. Don’t ditch your gum anywhere that is not a rubbish bin! Sticky gum on the dancefloor or on seats messes with people’s vibes – seriously, just swallow that shit. Don’t ruin someone else’s good time because you were a lazy slob.

6. Leave the following articles of clothing at home: jandals, boardshorts and Bintang singlets. We get it. You’ve been to Bali.

7. Don’t annoy the photographer for tonnes of photos!! They have a job to do, which is photograph the whole club, lots of the patrons, the DJ and the vibe of the night. Yes, you and your friends are probably hot. But the club’s Facebook page doesn’t need to have sixty billion almost-identical photos of you and your mates. Trust me, nobody is as interested in looking at photos of you as you think they should be. Phones nowadays have a front-facing camera especially for people like you to make use of.

8. Don’t dump your stuff on the ground, in corners or behind the DJ booth! Try to avoid bringing too much crap altogether! This is as much for your benefit as it is for everyone else’s. Nothing is more annoying than carting crap around all night when all you want to do is dance. I personally recommend clothes with pockets, and phone wallets! See also: leave your fucking glowsticks at home – that shit is a pain in the ass to clean up off the floor, and clubs put a lot of effort into making lighting cool and gorgeous. So your $5 pack of glowsticks are not adding to the experience, guys.

9. Don’t be an asshole to other people – this really applies across the board every second of every day, but please bear in mind that being drunk doesn’t give you license to treat other people as though they are dirt. Have a bit of love for your fellow partiers and club staff, people!!

And that’s about it! Go forth and party!

Love Akika xo