1. The Long-Lost Kardashian Sister.
Yep, you’d better believe this jizzrag has an alarming array of bodycon dresses in every shade of brown and off-white. Sucking back a gallon of vodka-soda-with-fresh-lime, she arms herself with several thousand Lip Kits (not to worry, her handbag is bigger than she is) before hitting the dance floor. Can be seen at 3am pouting at her phone outside the kebab shop, heels in hand.
2/5 – Guys don’t waste your time – this one has a 3 month rule and a propensity for relationship drama.

2. Mr. “I’m Out With The Boyz, Brah”
This rooster is totally fucking psyched to be here – he’s just ended his stifling relationship with his high school sweetheart and is ready to sow his wild oats. Unfortunately for him, they are hard to sow when you still think that baggy jeans held up with a nylon belt and skate shoes are a winning combination in a club.
0/5 – Thankfully his next relationship is just around the corner and will keep him out of the clubs for the next few years.

3. “An Espresso Martini, thanks”
Ms. Espresso Martini over there is most definitely aged 28-34 and is so upper middle class she didn’t even need to pre-load before coming out tonight – she can afford to buy across the bar all fricking night (and probably tips the bar staff out of kindness). Possibly one of the few people in the club who actually has her shit together IRL, she’s rocking a nice sleeveless blouse that tells you she’s profesh, paired with some well-cut jeans that tell you she’s still young n’ fun. Classy enough to afford coke, down-to-earth enough to rail it off the toilet lid. Most likely lesbian with a quirky dog, this one’s always up for a kick-on and a fancy café brunch after the shenanigans.
5/5 – True friend potential here.

4. Guy In Baseball Cap.
This guy’s name is almost certainly some kind of unexplained nickname like “Dusty”. He vaguely knows some of the same people you do, and seems to always be outside having a ciggie when you are, texting people at a frantic pace. He’s never drinking and usually only stops by for an hour or so. Actually, upon closer inspection, he’s probably a meth dealer.
2/5 – There’s potential there if you want drugs.

5. The Seasoned Genre Lover
Appearing in casual clusters all around the club, these people are here to support their mate who is DJing. Nary a Breakfest has been missed by this gang, and their casual attire suggests that they are here for drinking, dancing, laughing and being prepared for any afterparty shenanigans going down. These guys are the ones who attend events because they actually care who the headliner and supports are, and are possibly the most respectful, cheerful folk in the club.
5/5 – Will sometimes take newcomers under their wing.

6. “That Guy”.
That. Fucking. Guy. He’s there every time you turn around and he’s just not giving up. Your friends have had to rescue you six times, but it’s difficult as he’s mackin’ on all of them, too. He’s a brunette in a leather jacket and he appears to have come alone. This predatory fuck is watching and waiting, and he’s the reason why women feel like they need to have safety in numbers when out clubbing.
0/5 – Fuck you, man.

7.  Shrieking Sally
Shrieking Sally is having her 19^th birthday party tonight and all her best galfrands are out in force to help her celebrate! The pre-drinks have nearly taken her out, but Sally is one determined motherfucker. Determined to have an AMAZEBALLS TIME, that is!
You don’t need to go looking for Sally – she’ll come to you, and it will be invariably in the bathrooms as you are washing your hands. Sally’s all about girl power and sisterly support and she’s waiting with toilet paper to dry your tears, or to gush about “how beautiful you are and if that guy doesn’t see it then fuck him!” She’s a good girl, old Sally, and she’s going to be a little bit embarrassed about her blackout behaviour when she’s sitting at her insurance call-centre desk on Monday. But give it a few days, the shame will fade and before you know it, it’s TGIF time again.
4/5 – We have all been Sally. She’s alright.