1. Next time you’re out and about shopping, buy a shitload of cards, preferably blank ones. But of course, if you have hilarious friends, don’t be afraid to buy ones designed for specific purposes such as “happy anniversary to my darling wife” etc. Buy about $5 worth of stamps at the same time. Next time you have one of those moments where you’re thinking really grateful thoughts about a friend, or have a friend that might need a wee bit of cheering up, write a card and pop it in the mail. This is also incredibly handy if you forgot about someone’s birthday and need to take a card somewhere, or if you need an envelope handy to pay bribe money to somebody on a park bench. But mainly it’s for injecting a bit of brightness into somebody’s world.

2. Treat everyone that you love like a cat. You’d think this would come across as condescending and annoying; BUT IT ACTUALLY DOESN’T. Do you know how nice it is to be offered “din-dins” and “pats” when you are a goddamned adult who has far too much to stress about every day? Offering to look after somebody as if they are a cat might just be one of the most gentle, kindest things you could ever do. Fuck I could go for a good tummy scritch right about now.

3. If you live with people, and you are going to the supermarket, ALWAYS bring them a treat home. ALWAYS. Even if it’s just a Kinder Surprise (you cheap fuck). Make sure that when you are presenting it to them, you do it by making them choose between two hands held behind your back. The secret is that you cheat so they will ALWAYS get the treat. What a good guy you are.

4. If you have a friend/housemate who is really busy or unwell, try to put yourself in their shoes for a second and think of something you can do to really be of help. Maybe you could “borrow their car urgently” but then return it completely vacuumed out and clean, with a new air freshener in it. Or perhaps you could wake them up with oral sex. So many possibilities!

5. If you have a friend that has a partner and a child, conspire with the partner to take them out for dinner and drinks – all without your friend knowing until the evening. You’ll be the babysitter for the night, and you can help your friend’s partner plan a really special night together, based on your nosy stalkerish knowledge of your friend. You will of course empty their liquor cabinet whilst watching their kids, because that’s what friends are for.

Now that you are all the kindest people in the world, I hope to see you all at Geisha this weekend where you will of course thank me in drinks!

Love, Akika xoxoxoxooxoxoxox