Beer (pints of): You definitely love the Simpsons, you give great banter and if you’re the type to do so, your Tinder has a firm disclosure statement reading “pubs not clubs”.

Vodka, Soda (NOT lemonade!) and FRESH Lime: You’re white, not poor, and always lowkey worried about your weight (which you don’t need to be, as you’ve never been over a size 10). You probably also attend one (or more) of the following: yoga, pilates, boot camp, Crossfit, Tabata, Bosu, Bodypump, or “spin class”.

Bourbon and Coke (in a short glass with ice): You’re a guy who doesn’t have an off button with your drinking. You will be the one still drinking at the end of a 24 hour bender. You will drink until you literally fall asleep. You like to tell the same story at different parties and you’ve had the same girlfriend your entire life. Great value and loyal guy? Yes. Imaginative? No. Bogan and cokes 4 lyf.

Cider: There’s always bloody one, isn’t there? Unable to decide between beer and wine, you always strike the happy medium (and low alcohol percentage, you’re being ripped off) with a cider. You spend a lot of time carefully hiding your ciders at home because you know that they will get raided during the afterparty, by people far too munted to realise what they are drinking. Ciders belong at a Sunday garden party, as do you.

Gin: You’re probably super intelligent, super depressed, or super old. People ask you for advice often, and it irks you when they don’t take it (why ask in the first place? Clearly they just want validation to continue with their shitty path and not actual advice, but you’ll let this one slide). You like to read actual books rather than on a Kindle, and you appreciate a decent garden. You lowkey enjoy meth as well.

Red Wine: Irritatingly, you can always stop after one or two glasses and you’re the type of person who actually has spare bottles of wine at home all year round. You might even order wine online, and I kind of hate you but that’s mainly because you embody all the core values surrounding restraint, moderation and general classiness that I so desperately wish I possessed.

White Wine: You’re here to get fucked up and solve some mysteries of the heart. You insist that everyone listen to your stories of woe, because goddamnit, you need to vent! Your friends are thankful when the taxi gets here, because the loud noises of the club will drown out your incessant bleating. Take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror.

Who are you? Love, Akika xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo