Sadly I have not yet managed to reverse the process of cellular deterioration, aka the persistent forward march of my age. No matter how much I try to embalm my innards with gin and diet lemonade (because diet soda contains aspartame which is a type of formaldehyde, and thus should preserve my youth, right?), I cannot delay the inevitable – even though I feel young *on the inside*.
Which makes me wonder: how old is too old for clubbing? Why are clubs saturated with those aged 18 – 35, whereas the older set tend to be found littering depressing “local pubs” in their home suburbs?

Young people aren’t rich – many reliable news sources report that after their morning smashed avocado on toast, they barely have a brass razoo to their name. Yet they determinedly pop up in numbers all over the town, supping away on $12 drinks all night. Whereas the older ones, with their financial shit together, spend their hard-earned dime on reasonably priced bottles of shit house wine down at the dreary local sports pubs which leave full lights on all night throughout the entire premise (so that you can be happily reminded of how much less-hot your balding husband looks now than the first night you met at one of the cooler clubs in the city when you guys were young and carefree).

So, what happens in our thirties? Do we become unimaginative, tired, lazy old fucks? Do we stop appreciating good music? I can’t ever imagine becoming like that. As much as I love a good cosy night in, I could still never give up this massive love for the sesh and trade it all in for a boring night listening to people argue about a local sports team before heading home for a stock-standard bout of mish posish.

I say to one and all, throw off the shackles of society that gently nudge you into an early retirement! I want to see bitches with botox on that d-floor, making it count and living every last drop of life. Besides, the point of nightclubs is that the lights are so dim; nobody can really tell your age unless you’re waving about your tax forms and pulling hankerchiefs out of your sleeve cuffs.

Age is just a number, make the most of your one awesome life!

Love, Akika xoxoxoxoxoxooxox