Bon Apple Tea

By Geisha Bar

Have you ever just been so pregnant, or so high, that you just had to have some carrot and tomato ice cream, STAT?
Yeah, me neither. But apparently someone (well actually, lots of people), somewhere, gets these cravings on the regular, because the sheer amount of weird tasting food out there is mind boggling. Because I’m me, I spent hours between 2am and 4am Googling some weird food combos, and rating what I think they will taste like. Enjoy.

KitKat Flavours:
Potato: I give these a theoretical 3/10. I like my potato like I like my men – 3am and cooked. Not smothered in chocolate.
Cheese: 1/10. Ninj, please. Cheese goes on everything, but not chocolate. Get down from there.
Grilled Corn: 4/10. I’m coming around, and I think this could be the expert level equivalent of chocolate on popcorn at the movies.
Wasabi: Theoretically a 4.5/10. I like chilli chocolate, so how bad can horseradish be? Plus, I like it when it hurts.
Ice Cream Flavours:
Jalapeno: 8/10. I’ll take jalapeno with anything, so why not ice cream? The bonus is that you’re already having a dairy product to stifle the burn of the jalapeno!
Fried chicken: 2/10. 2 rights often make a wrong, much like incest with a hot sibling.
Carrot and tomato: 1/10. I don’t want to get my 5+ a day as dessert, thanks.
Shrimp flavoured ice cream: -5/10/ Yes, my ratings scale goes into the negatives. Remember that smelly jerk who always had seafood at lunch at the office? Imagine them in summer. Vom.
Raw Horse Meat: NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. Yeet the fuck out of there immediately. What is wrong with you Japan?
Fizzy Drinks
Yoghurt flavoured Pepsi: 0/10. Imagine it. You’re 12 years old, it’s a 41°C Christmas Day, you’ve just scored your first ever smartphone. Life is good but it’s hot and you need some refreshments. Mum brandishes a 6 pack of ice-cold Pepsi for the minors. You’re sitting in the pool and you crack open the cool can, eager to quench your festive thirst. Thick, tangy yoghurt streams down your chin as you slowly gulp the creeping yeast snack.
Peanut butter and jelly flavoured soda: 6/10. Points for trying, America.
Buffalo wing flavoured soda: either a 0 or a 10 out of 10; I simply cannot decide.
Spaghetti popsicle (Japan): -6/10. What happens when it starts melting? This is nightmare fuel. Does it come alive?
Dried pork and seaweed donuts (China): 0/10. What the fuck is it with China and seafood flavoured everything? Am I the only person alive that thinks that all seafood products just fucking stink?
Pizza and spaghetti slushy (Canada): -3/10 if it’s cold; 11/10 if it’s hot.

Bon Apple Tea,
Akika xoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxo