Today is my friend Kylie’s birthday, which means that it is exactly three years to the day since my strange one night stand with a boy I will refer to as “Kenny Rogers”.

I can’t believe I haven’t told you friends this story before. It’s a bit personal, it’s a bit sexy, but most of all – it’s a bit strangely hilarious.

About half a dozen friends and I were out to get on the absolute crazy train for Kylie’s 23^th birthday, so we started with a few at Geisha before heading out to a gig at Ambar (RIP). It was one of those great nights, everything was clicking into place, and I was absolutely feeling myself in a hot outfit (being a bit totalled and feeling loved-up didn’t hurt either).

Late in the evening (early in the morning?) I ended up having a ciggie with a guy outside and we chatted for awhile, then headed in for a dance. One thing lead to another and we ended up back at his place. We did the deed and although not fireworks and epiphanies, it was still a satisfying, feel-good round of sex.

Apparently he was left unsatisfied, though.

I woke up at some point around dawn to the feeling of gentle shaking. I assumed he had an itch or something, and ignored it. The shaking continued. I stealthily peeked out of one eye and saw that he was having a real good hand shandy. Making a ham sandwich. Floggin’ the scroggin.  Rattling the cage. All of that.

I was not gonna judge. He had been chewing his face off all night and so I figured he just needed a bit more loving. No problem.

However.

HOWEVER.

He had his phone out, and I caught a gaze at what he was watching, figuring it was porn and maybe I could be keen get involved again. Expecting to see a tangle of flesh, I was surprised to see …… a group of men sitting around a table playing cards.

He was whacking off to a Texas Hold’em Poker tournament on ESPN.

Now I’m not one to kink shame. But I was confused as fuck. I lay there, pretending to be asleep, feeling the bed shake gently as he dealt himself a royal flush. After an hour, I pretended to wake up and leave.

He texted me asking to see me again, and I replied with “maybe if you play your cards right”, before promptly ignoring him for the rest of eternity.

I guess you gotta know when to hold ’em, and know when to fold ’em.

Love, Akika xoxoxoxooxoxox