Paleo: You’re a man who wants to lose weight and gain muscle but you want to do it in a manly af way that doesn’t involve low-fat yoghurt so you convince yourself you’re goin’ back to your true caveman roots (even though our level of evolution kind of makes that not really a thing). You eat a heck of a lot of meat and you’re a man whose is enjoying dem gains because you are a man. If you’re not a man, you’re a female who wants to target your glutes with a sensibly exhausting combination of Crossfit and eating only meats and berries n shit.

Keto: Edging is a sexual indulgence whereby you get really close to coming, then you ease off for a bit and then you get really close again, and ease off. You repeat this until you have the orgasm of your life. Keto is like this except with food but there’s no orgasmic feast at the end – just more keto.

Vegan: You care a lot about a lot of different causes and you are enthusiastic about sharing your lifestyle with others, but you do this in a frustrating way by insisting on bringing bland falafel-based food to Every. Single. Pot-luck. Ever. If you really want to succeed in popularising your cause, find a way to exist somewhere between where you are now and the glamourous rock-star Instagram appeal of the Plant Based person. Maybe switch out the unkempt backyard permaculture garden for a trendy farmer’s market or something.

Plant-Based: You’re a rich vegan who is mainly in it for the health and a hot bod, rather than for environmental/animal concerns. Slathering $16 of organic coconut oil on your body and hair daily, you glow with the radiance of a thousand suns. You blind everyone at the trendy farmer’s market with your coconuty luminescence, and cheerily insist that all your friends could easily switch to your lifestyle, but they can’t because you still haven’t caught onto the fact that most people have a thing called a grocery budget, and actual full-time jobs that take up all that time that should otherwise be used for spiralising, preserving, preparing and soaking various plant-based delicacies. You’re secretly pleased that not everyone can afford your lifestyle though, because otherwise you would lose your clean green Instagram edge over everyone else.

Raw Food: Your teeth clean themselves with every raw crunch you enjoy. Dentists hate that you are sapping up all their business, but you don’t care about dentists. You haven’t accidentally burned your mouth on anything in years, and you save a fortune on your gas bill. The space where your oven used to be is now a smart office nook with a pull-down desk attached to the wall (you got the idea from Pinterest) and your life is meticulously organised. You’ve always got some capsicum and water on hand for visitors, you are the host with the most.

Crossfit: Are you in a cult? You’re in a cult. There are too many made-up words in your life, and you’re starting to alienate some of your friends and family due to language translation difficulties. Your REAL family is your Crossfit box though, so it doesn’t matter. How many rx metcons can you do of your WOD on your AMRAP? You’re a chipper kipper who don’t take no rhabdo from nobody and you stopped drinking alcohol awhile ago, too. Where did all your fun go? Ohhhh, it used to be in your quads but now there is nothing but pain.