In light of the recent outbreaks of COVID-19 (coronavirus), in predictable Aussie fashion, people have managed to contract another, just as deadly, infectious disease – the Pork Chop Flu. The Pork Chop Flu affects Australians in droves, and spreads like wildfire. The most common symptom is a sudden manic desire to stockpile toilet paper, which prompts the infected host to resort to all means of strange and uncouth behaviour to fulfil this desire. Known as “acting like a pork chop”, this behaviour is currently being displayed at an alarming rate, showing just how fast the Pork Chop Flu is spreading around Australian cities.
In light of this deeply upsetting pandemic, I thought I’d share my top 10 appropriate alternatives to toilet paper that Australians can use to keep cases of “acting like a pork chop” at bay. Because this country is literally so full of shit, it is vital to seek alternatives to toilet paper whilst the most infected of us hoard stockpiles of it.
10. Start swiping more than the appropriate amounts of napkins at all restaurants, servos, and fast food chains.
9. Got a workplace or uni? START STEALING.
8. You could use pages of the Big Issue.
7. Go eco-friendly and use a reusable wiping towel (one for each “area”). I mean, they give babies reusable nappies, right?
6. Adult diapers. So much fun and you can stay right where you are at your kick-on mecca, the outdoor glass table with striped cushion chairs.
5. Use a bucket and throw the waste out your window onto the street. Nothing beats the good old days.
4. Use leaves! Your neighbour’s monstera looks pretty good. Mind the holes.
3. Stop eating and drinking altogether, so that you don’t have to use the toilet.
2. Install an outdoor bidet, using your garden hose.
1. Just shit on your neighbour’s lawn like you’ve been fantasizing about for the past six years.

Love, Akika xoxooxoxoxoxox