Now that we’re galloping through October at a rate of knots, it would appear that Spring Racing Season is almost upon us. I personally am not a fan of attending the races because it’s the same shit every year, and also I feel bad for the horses. However, in the past I did attend my fair share of race meetings, and feel that the Spring Racing Season warrants a social commentary of sorts. So without further ado, here are the five people you will find at every major gallops day across the country this year.

1. Grief-Stricken George George looks EXACTLY like George from Guess Who, which is why I call him George. There are more Georges per capita at any given race meeting than anyone else (especially the sad Thursday night greyhound meetings at Cannington that nobody who likes their life ever goes to). George never looks like he’s having any fun, even though he lives and breathes betting. He also surprisingly doesn’t have a gambling problem, being sure never to bet more than $75.00 per race day. George doesn’t like his home life, which is why he’s always at the races – they are actually preferable to the company of the woman he mistakenly married who turned out to be a terrible match for him. He hates hearing her talking (in fact, George hates hearing ANY women talking), so he goes to the races to bask in the soothing muttering of other downtrodden old men.

2. Susan Susan is a real piece of work. She manages a small office of twenty or so staff, and prior to racing season she sent out an urgent office memo to everyone that anybody who called in sick on the day of, or the day immediately, Melbourne Cup, would receive a written warning. Snickering, she had also closed off those days for available annual leave so that she herself could take the day off. Mark from Sales has a kid who is getting chemotherapy that day, but he is shit out of luck, because Susan has tickets to the Brown Brothers marquee, and she’s looking to break in her new chunky jewellery and metallic flat sandal combo while drinking Zibibbo out of a plastic flute, thinking she is some kind of VIP (she’s not). Susan doesn’t understand how betting works, and put all her bets on the wrong races, but because she never checked her tickets, she spends the latter part of the day yelling at the staff and demanding to be refunded her ticket money plus the additional dividends that she reckons she has been robbed of. Everyone everywhere is secretly praying that Susan gets trampled by a horse.

3. Nick-O Nick-O (self-appointed nickname) LOVES the races. He can’t wait to wear his wraparound sunglasses, some baggy dress pants and an ill-fitting Kmart shit to the races – it’s a day to look sharp. Never to be seen without a dart in his mouth, he tries to hit on all the females in his social circle – but none of them are stupid enough to take the bait (in fact, most of his friends don’t really like him at all). Nick-O decides that there is nothing cooler than being the most wasted guy at the races, so he drinks with wanton lust from his Jim Beam branded hipflask (which he proudly shows everyone because apparently a $25 hipflask from those joke themed stores are a real classy accessory) before trying to streak along the fence. His group heave a collective sigh of relief as he is escorted away by security, and they spend the rest of the day bitching about what a dick “Nick-O” is.

4. Chelsea Chelsea is a babe and a half, if you’re into that kind of thing. She’s doused herself in fake tan in preparation for this day, because she knows that it’s going to be a chance to make some inroads boosting her “brand”. That’s right, Chelsea’s entire day is going to be coming to an Instagram, a Snapchat, and a Facebook near you!!! She snagged herself a pseudo-designer dress from Myer and can’t wait to rain a hashtag bukkake all over your unsuspecting faces. Sadly, Chelsea overdoes it on the fake tan and now her white dress has an ombre effect around the edges, which puts her in a right

#mood. Chelsea was last spotted crying outside a marquee, presumably because her life is nowhere near as incredible as it looks on the gram.

5. Surprising Samara Samara came to the races with a gaggle of people from the nondescript call centre job she has. She’s only been there a couple of months and this is her first time socialising with the work peeps. When she turns up, jaws drop across the board. What happened to the drab makeup-less Samara who graces their office in plain black pants, flats, a low ponytail and a shapeless shirt? In her place is a glamazon wearing 3-inch heels, a killer mini dress and the most Kardashian-worthy contour job you’ve ever seen. Forget the Melbourne Cup sweepstakes, the staff are now all taking bets to see which of the guys is going to score with this young filly. Snapchats are being furiously sent by all the girls to the colleagues who couldn’t make it “OMFG GET A LOAD OF SAMARA” … in true Melbourne Cup tradition, there’s going to be a new target of office bullying this season.