This spring, it’s time to change the broken record

By Geisha Bar

The other day, I read a magazine article on “rewarding yourself for going to the gym”. The photo? One lonesome mingy carrot. Uhhmm how is that reward??

Every year, at this time, it’s the same damn thing. Papers, magazines, blogs, websites overflow with “hot tips” and “do’s and don’t’s” on shedding weight you apparently stack on lard-ass style over winter. Titles like…

“Best methods to burn belly fat right now!”
I can tell you, the best way to burn fat is set it on fire.

“Pack away those muumuus – it’s time to get bikini-ready!”
Dude, I’ll tell you how to get bikini-ready: 1. Put on your bikini. 2. Ready.

Here’s a “hot tip”. Someone starving and whittling themselves into some kind of fantasy rock formation is not sexy. News flash people — we mine rocks, not morph into them. Humans are animal not mineral. Let’s not even start on the adverse health effects of forcefully yo-yo’ing your body weight.

You wanna know what’s reeeaaally sexy? A gent or lady alive in the skin they’re in. Dancing to their own beat, lighting up the room with a sunbeam smile and just a hint of “devil-may-care” attitude in their eyes. Ohh boyyy that shiz spins me right round baby, right round. Like a record baby, right round.