Every year without fail there are the 12 People of Christmas. Behold:

12. The Frazzled Retail Staff Member.
The poor thing is almost out of “study drugs” and it’s only December 20^th! She’s racking up 34, 000 steps per shift “checking out back” for all you ungrateful pricks, so cut her some slack! She’s counting down the days to get back to her ultra-boring commerce degree, because let’s face it, living below the poverty line and dealing with exam stress is far more preferable to customer service.

11. The Jewish Flatmate
Why is this guy more into Christmas than you? He’s a yamulka-wearin’, menorah-lightin’ Friend of Saint Nick. He’s tinselled the fuck out of his bedroom and hung a stocking. He’s like the bisexual ghost of Christmas Past and he’s trying to get you drunk every night.

10. The CrossFitter
Did you know that CrossFit does a workout called “The 12 Days of Christmas”? Of course you did, because your CrossFit mate won’t shut the fuck up about it. Your newsfeed is polluted with pics of them and their “fit fam” doing squats in candy cane striped knee-high socks, wearing reindeer antlers. Fuck those guys.

9. Guilt-trippin’ Grandma
She’s an angry old thing, she’s the one on your dad’s side, and she loves to spend Christmas Day reminding you of how you never phone her throughout the year (spoiler alert: it’s because she won’t let you get off the damn phone at the end of a call). Even the card she gives you says “come and visit more often”. Christmas is just her cover for an excuse to harass you about not hanging out with her 24/7. You’re so needy, grandma. Bother your own children first.

8. The Cool Cousin
Casey is back from Melbourne to see the fam over the holidays and she managed to smuggle a wee bit of “Christmas joy” into the family home for you “young ones”. You crowd into the bathroom together to reminisce on your hilarious past and whisper scandalously about “THAT” uncle while you do your makeup together in a holiday haze.

7. The Insufferable Colleague
Next to this one, EVERYONE is a grinch. You may actually quite like Christmas, but after sharing a cubicle wall with Yuletide Yolanda, you never want to see a glazed ham again. Nobody needs Christmas carols on November 5^th, FFS.

6. The Christmas Hipster
“Christmas is just, like, such an example of gross CONSUMERISM, you know?” Chris flatly says, his eyes refusing to leave the screen displaying his epic adventure as an assassin’s creed or some such on his fourth Playstation purchased in three years. What a pioneer of original thought – go eat a dick, Chris.

5. The Jesus Freak
Always wantin’ you to get on down to their church for some body (a cracker) and blood (Ribena) of Christ. Pretty underwhelming, if you ask me.

4. The Awkward Extra
It’s Christmas Day. All the family are there. There is laughter in the air, there is booze at 8.30am. All is well. Suddenly, the entire vibe is thrown off by … Matty. Yeah, remember Matty? (No). Your cousins’s boyfriend that she’s been seeing for 8 months now, but he never actually comes to any family stuff so nobody really knows him. Matty can be found hanging around the barbeque awkwardly with THAT uncle.

3. The Seasonal Slut
Christmas is really just an excuse to throw on a “naughty or nice” hat with some red lingerie, and flaunt it all over the ‘gram. Jessie is just SO THRILLED to hashtag her way out of the pit of “unsolicited” dick pics she’s fallen into these holidays, and cannot wait for Easter to don those bunny ears!

1. Gentle Child, So Tender and Mild
The true unsung heroes of Christmas. Lil’ Timmy has been waiting all year just to get a goddamn fucking toy that he wants. Sadly, children only have two opportunities to add to their toy collection in any given year, and Christmas nets far more loot than birthdays. Lil’ Timmy has been living under the threat of Santa spying on him and tallying up his goods n bads, so he has been doing chores like an underpaid Indonesian child just to make sure Santa doesn’t forget him. Timmy’s alright. We were all Timmy once.

Merry Christmas!!!

Love, Akika xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxox