Akika says: Case of the Ex

By Geisha Bar

Yesterday my sister-in-law and I popped down to the pub to see my brother, who had just finished playing in a golf tournament with a few friends – including my ex, who I am still technically married to, but have been separated from for about ten years (we got married SUPER young, far too young to be getting married in this day and age).

This was not awkward in the slightest – we were chatting away and laughing hysterically at all manner of silly shit, totally comfortable and enjoying each other’s company. At one point, a guy who didn’t know me asked if I was Mr. Ex’s partner. Laughing, we told him that I was the former Mrs. Ex and that we are off to get a divorce and brunch on Tuesday. Incredulously, he asked, “why the hell aren’t you guys still together? There’s so much magic between you two.”

Mr. Ex looked at me and said, “of course there is – that’s how you know it was real, when you can stand around and have a laugh and get along after all this time.”
It felt truly awesome that this guy, (whom I had cheated on by the way, mea culpa galore) who is now one of my brother’s best friends, could not only stand to be in the same room as me, but actually still had such a nice thing to say in my presence.

I should point out that there is nothing romantic remaining there whatsoever, we are very different people (and he has a beautiful fiancée and child), but this still floored me and gave me faith in humanity.

This is not going to be the case for everyone, but when two adults can be totally cool with the fact that they were once together, yet were not right for each other or it didn’t work out, it’s pretty awesome.

So, how do you achieve this?

Firstly, NO CONTACT after the break-up! Going straight to friends NEVER WORKS. Why? Because in a break-up, there is always one person who wants the relationship to end and one person who doesn’t. When you officially break-up, the person who doesn’t want the relationship to end doesn’t just shut off their feelings. In most cases, they will do anything and everything in their power to remain friends with the other person – because they are still romantically tied to them. When this is the basis for a friendship, that person will ALWAYS get hurt. So don’t do it. EVER. Both people need to be fully over the relationship before any steps toward friendship can happen, otherwise it’s all a giant bag of resentment and hurt.

Once you are both truly over the past and have moved on with your lives, then, if you are still in some sort of proximity with that person, perhaps you will be friendly. Then again, perhaps not – it depends on a number of factors. I only see my ex maybe once a year, when he comes to our hometown to play golf – hardly what you’d call a tight-knit friendship, but it’s always great to see him when I do.

Let the cards fall where they may – if you guys are both mature and can forgive and forget, then there may be a chance for some form of friendship in the end.

Love, Akika xoxoxoxoxo