Make America Fat Again

By Geisha Bar

Donald Trump. I know, I know. I’m sorry that we are all so damn sick of hearing his name, but guys it’s really important that we talk about Donald Trump’s fucked-up diet.

Seriously, hear me out on this one. I was out and about when I overheard someone talking about this, and apparently it’s common knowledge – so where the hell was I? If you already knew about this, then I do apologise dear friend. But fuck me! I had no idea! After hearing what this garbage disposal unit leader of the free world eats, I feel like a saint in comparison – and anyone who knows me will tell you that I’m probably only one slice of bread away from a coma!

Did you know that Trump only eats processed shit? Refined carbs, saturated fat and refined sugars are what fuels his poor decisions and terrible behaviours on the daily. Perhaps the amount of preservatives are what is actually keeping the old prick alive?

Each day he consumes around 12 cans of Diet Coke – which he has a buzzer system for. A quick press of the magic button, and a staff member will hasten to his side with a glass of the stuff. (Obama used to use this sometimes for tea and coffee, but not at this rate). Let’s hope he’s not so trigger-happy with the nukes this year. Those 12 cans of Diet Coke contain 504mg of caffeine – which exceeds the recommended amount for a healthy young adult, let alone a terracotta corpse with a weave.

White House aides have reported never seeing Trump eat the healthy snacks that the Obamas would nibble on, such as fruit and nuts, but that he has the chef on standby to make Big Mac imitation burgers constantly. Just imagine it. You’re a top-level chef – you’ve been involved in Michelin 5-star operations, you’ve possibly cooked for the Royal Family, or perhaps worked for the top hotel in Dubai. Suddenly, you find out the grand news – you’ve scored the highest level cheffing job in the USA! You’re going to feed the First Family! You get to work, excited to show your skills. Opening the fridge and pantry, you discover the following: Frozen beef patties Processed Cheese A tub of Big Mac ™ Sauce Some wilted lettuce You are approached by the White House chief-of-staff. “Mr. President would like his dinner in 45 minutes”, he states flatly, as he fastens your ankle by chain to the workspace benches. “Make it nice and greasy.” There’s no escape. Dejectedly, you start flippin’ burgers for the guy you definitely did not vote for.

When Prez can procure actual Maccas direct from the source, his dinner contains the following: – 2 Big Mac burgers – 2 Filet O Fish burgers – A chocolate shake At a casual 2600 calories feat. 3500mg of sodium, let’s hope a heart attack is imminent.

I’ve always said that there’s something fucked-up about people who like Filet O Fish burgers, and this just proves it.

Love, Akika xoxoxooxoxoxoxox