Too Cool for School

By Geisha Bar

Recently I discovered that a bunch of super affluent Americans have been committing fraud in order to get their kids into good colleges …… say whaaaaaat?

And not just random run-of-the-mill parents, but LORI LOUGHLIN, BELOVED UNCLE  JESSE’S WIFE ON FULL HOUSE. And also Felicity Huffman, one of the desperate housewives.

Earlier this year, over thirty parents were charged with fraud for their participation in a $25 million long con which saw parents forking out tens of thousands of dollars to snag their spoilt little shits spots in elite universities, such as Georgetown, Yale and Stanford.

The guy behind the scam, William Singer, would photoshop the students’ faces onto photos of actual athletes and then bribe college sports coaches to take on non-athletic students. Singer also rigged a scheme whereby students were told to fake learning difficulties in order to be permitted to sit their SAT tests in special centres, where – you guessed it – a paid-off test administrator would sit the tests for the students.

Lori Loughlin paid $500,000 to get her two daughters admitted to the University of Southern California via the rowing team – never mind the fact that the girls don’t row.
Another parent who owns a media company paid a bribe for her son to be accepted to the same university as a pole vaulter. The lawsuit states that “The high school attended by [the student] has no record that he ever participated in pole vaulting or track and field.”Felicity Huffman paid $15,000 for her daughter to attend one of Singer’s centers, where her SAT test answers were doctored.

Not only has this been going down, but investigations have revealed a bunch of affluent parents (lawyers, doctors etc) transferring legal guardianship of their children to less-wealthy relatives or friends. This is in order to hide their assets and incomes in order to give their kids a shot at the governmental financial aid that’s intended for, y’know, ACTUALLY struggling students.

Here’s the thing; if you’ve grown up in an affluent family, and never had to spend a second on struggle street in your life, then you’ve essentially had every fucking opportunity in life already gifted to you on a silver platter. And if you still can’t get into university, DESPITE never having met any obstacles in life, then newsflash – you’re probably too fucking stupid to go to university.


I literally fucking hate wealth and people sometimes.


Love, Akika xoxoxoxoxoxo