I got sent a dick pic today. It was by mistake – I didn’t know the discerning chap at all, so I think he must have messed up his mobile numbers. It was flaccid.

WHAT

OK a) Don’t send a dick pic. Not even if the recipient is begging for one! It is not a marker of timeless elegance, and it is absolutely not doing you any favours. b) If you absolutely cannot contain your insistence upon unleashing your chode at the world, MAKE IT LOOK GOOD FIRST!

I cannot believe that a guy thought that his shrivelled, musty looking todger (because really, the British term “todger” conjures up nothing but images of a grayish flaccid sad little wilted gnome hat) was going to be a real treat for somebody. I can only imagine the lead up to this barbaric crime.

Dazza comes home after a hard day of work, something which involved wearing hi-vis. He has been chatting to a “bird” on Tinder and decides that he’s going to get the ball rolling a bit and try to initiate a bit of sexy action. Breathing noisily through his mouth, he fumbles with the fly of his pants. Holding his soft little sparrow in his left hand, he deftly aims his iPhone 4 at it, managing to capture it in all its crinkled glory, with only a hint of blur and plenty of jumbled mess in the background of the shot. Smugly, he texts it to the unsuspecting “chick” (in this case, me, by accident). Whistling loudly, he confidently waits for the waves of admiration and elation to wash over his phone. It doesn’t happen. Undeterred, he moves on to his next victim.

In other news, a guy was recently discovered at the scene of the house he was attempting to burgle. Evidently a quick getaway was not as important as the needs of his junk, so he paused to make a hole in their sofa and proceed to have his way with it. The cops arrived and he was arrested. Like, seriously dude – you had ONE JOB. What is it with guys and their dicks to which they are so heftily enslaved!?

I’ll never understand.

Love, Akika xoxoxoxooxxo