18/12

OLD MAN YELLS AT CLOUD

By Geisha Bar
297

I was recently in Auckland International Airport and had some time to kill, so I got a bit drunk and made some observations.

- Everything is so pristine and glowing with white lights on gold trim.
- The men working retail here are better groomed than me on a good day.
- I love sitting in an airport listening to the sounds of different languages chattering away. Some of them are quite melodical. I’m ashamed of my lowbrow Aussie accent.
- An American tourist sailed past. “The security here is so FAST!” he exclaims to his partner.
- I’ve never heard of some of these designer brands. They *look* like designer but me, in all my years of reading (shudder) women’s magazines, had never heard of them. What is “Furla”? Am I old and out of touch? No, it’s the children who are wrong.
- Signage promised me a prayer room. I followed (staggered through) the maze to the prayer room to find it shut. Apparently, God is not always with us.
- I *might* be flying business class.  If my upgrade gets honoured. I already feel like a fraud.
- Duty free is a bloodbath. “24 karat magic in the aaiiiiiir!” blasts at me from a speaker being proudly demonstrated by one of those aforementioned perfect looking young men.
- People who I can only presume are bogans are crowded around the flavoured Absolute Vodka pyramid.
- Women are browsing perfumes, pretending to be interested, but you just know they are taking a mental note of what they will buy for a third of the price at Chemist Warehouse.
- People are looking at me funny. Yes, drink your coffees. I’ll drink my whisky. I am on a different timezone to you. It’s 5pm (8am) for me. Shut up.
- I was going to get some sushi, but it was $19.50. $19.50! For sushi!!! Get fucked.
- All of the Asian airlines have the most beautiful flight attendants. They look like pristine dolls with their immaculate little outfits. They are the epitome of hospitality and grace.
- I think airports are designed to make you feel like you have money. All this glitz and glam makes you feel like you can afford it.
- GIANT FUCKING TOBLERONES. WHY.
- Flu masks. When little Chinese ladies wear them, they look fashion forward. When I wear them, I look like your cousin Dwayne coming off the work site from a hard day of plastering.
- I don’t even know where my gate is. How many more giant Toblerones will I have to walk past to get to my destination? It should be called Auckland International Toblerone.
- There’s a KFC here. Holy fuck. I haven’t been eating fast food for a few months now. I could cheat. I could be unfaithful. No, that’s the whisky talking. I silently retreat from the periphery of KFC, already feeling my arteries yearning. Not today, my pets. Being that I refrained from spending money on KFC, I feel I now have extra money to spend on whisky. It’s called accounting people, look it up.
- There are so many toilets here. So many toilets. I wonder what the water consumption here is.
- I didn’t get the business class upgrade, it must be because I hadn’t purchased a giant Toblerone. They’re onto me.
- The loudspeakers are speaking Mandarin. Fuck it sounds beautiful. I’m drunk and I want to learn Mandarin.
- The Toblerone family has a “new arrival”. Hint: It’s just smaller Toblerones in a carton.
- There is golf on the big screen TV. Every time I go to an airport there is golf on a TV somewhere. Without fail. It’s probably why my parents love to travel so much.
- Why do all 50-year-old men with beards look identical?
- Croissants. How many croissants are in this very airport this very second? How many?

Love, Akika xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox