No Royal Surprises There

By Geisha Bar

It seems the Perth Royal Show is going down the gurgler, with its third consecutive year suffering a multi-million dollar loss. The decline began when they started charging children under 12 years of age ticket entry, which of course means that the main demographic of show-goers (bogan families with lots of children) would start to reconsider paying for each of their children to attend.

I went to the Royal Show once. It was the worst fucking day of my life. If I wanted to see dipshit families slowly amble about eating food on sticks, letting their pudgy little kids run amok ruining everyone’s lives, I could have gone to Kuta or Rockingham Centre, to be honest.

The “rides” looked like a throwback to the early 90s when the AMP show would come to town and if you were lucky, you’d get to ride the ghost train, which was usually manned by a paedophile with a cigarette dangling from his droopy lips. The food was mostly rubbish, and the “showbags” have literally no appeal to anybody over the IQ of 90. Considering that an individual ride at the show can cost up to $20 and showbags cost up to $125, who actually wants to pay such ludicrous sums of money to be jostled by crowds of families in the blazing sun, while standing in lines for ages for anything?

It’s no great mystery as to why the organisers are left scratching their heads over the diminishing numbers of visitors to the Royal Show – it’s because literally the only ones that think it’s any good are the elderly, and they are starting to die in droves each year.

Deal with it and get with the times, Perth – an early 90s-esque bogan parade should not be your proudest day of the year. You’ve just spent a buttload of money on Elizabeth Quay, maybe try having a public event there instead, and try doing it with a bit of fucking class. Good riddance Royal Show, your days are over.