Akika says: How to Help your Heartbroken Friend Party like a Pro

By Geisha Bar

So, your friend just ended their relationship and is feeling like the world’s biggest misery guts – but this shouldn’t be any reason to let the party vibe get swept under the rug! Keeping one’s zest for life is the most important part of any break-up recovery ….. so, as the loyal and totally fucking rad friend that you are, the often-arduous responsibility of giving your sad sack friend a banger of a night out rests solely upon your shoulders. Never fear, my sequined one. You are more than up to this task.

Firstly, get involved in a bit of liaison. I’m sure that you and your best friend’s ex have some mutual friends in the mix, so you need to use those to your advantage and find out whether the ex is going to be out that night, and if so – where, and who with. It’s important for you to know who with, because if you happen to see one of the ex’s party crew, you will immediately know that the ex is lurking in the vicinity, and you can stealthily ferry your friend along to a different venue. But ideally, you’ll take your mate out on a night where the ex is definitely not going out (perchance you could organise a bit of food-spiking or anthrax delivery the day before to ensure that the ex remains solely tucked up in bed).

Once you can be sure that your logistic defences are in order, you must then get your bestie into the party mode. This can be done in three equally-effective manners:
1. Get them so angry about their ex that they start yearnin’ for a burnin’ of anything that reminds them of the ex. This is almost always accompanied by last-minute alcohol (usually horrible leftover shit at the back of your kitchen cupboard like crème de menthe and Frangelico), which spurs the broken-hearted on in a whirlwind of feeling like the hottest motherfucker alive who is “MOST DEFINITELY going to fuck the hottest person in the club that night”.
2. Convince them that you have just had something terrible happen to you (choose your own white lie) and that you NEED a night out. This way your friend will be doing YOU the favour, and won’t resist as much as they would if they thought the night out was in aid of them.
3. Spike their drink all day until they are so merry that wild horses won’t keep them away from the clubs.
(Method 1 is my preferred modus operandi, due to its cathartic and technically-more-honest nature).

Now. Once your friend is firmly clutching their ticket to Crunkville, you need to make them feel like they are the hottest thing alive. Lend them your best clothes if it will help, do their hair and makeup for them, and TAKE LOTS OF SELFIES. The reason for the selfies is partly to have hot pics for your friend to upload later to show that ex just how much GODDAMN FUN SHE IS HAVING AND HOW HOT SHE LOOKS NOW, but mainly so you can get pretty much unrestricted access to her phone. When she’s not paying attention, find the exs contact profile and CHANGE THE FUCKING NUMBER. Change it to a mutual friend’s number (who is in on the plan but not going out that night), because if you change it to your own number and then y’all get split up or need to contact each other, the jig’s gonna be up, son.
Once you’re out, do your damndest to keep your friend away from too many places that hold memories of the ex. Visit a totally different club and drink a completely new cocktail – this is the time for trying new things. You want your mate to only think of the present and the future, and never the past. Let them do karaoke if that’s what it takes, and make sure that you stay a bit more sober than your mate – because not all heroes wear capes. Don’t give them drugs unless you’re man enough to support them throughout the comedown. Let them pash randoms but don’t let them go home with any – because that will elicit confused feelings and sadness/shame in the morning. Remember, they’re not over their ex, so waking up in someone else’s bed is just gonna be a Band-Aid on a gunshot wound. Pashing is good – it makes them feel desirable again, and gives them a bit of excitement, but doesn’t go any deeper than that. Also, be a dear and vet who your mate is making out with. The last thing you want is for them to be caught with one of their ex’s friends, or some total fucking dickhead that they’ll regret.
Lastly, ensure that your friend gets home safe, and is comfortable, well-fed and has hangover supplies. This usually calls for some kind of sleepover so that you can be there in the morning to try and piece together the previous night, followed by a delicious breakfast, and any more venting/crying/soul searching your friend needs you to help with. You should probably also use the time while they are passed out in bed to change back the exs number in her phone.
Or y’know, don’t.