By Geisha Bar

I spend a good deal of my time staring off into space and imagining ways to make things even better than they currently are, which is actually a bit of a challenge, considering my life is pretty amazing already! But there’s always room for improvement, extra laziness or more fun, and I intend to exploit it all! Here are a few hacks of mine for you to enjoy!

Housework. Bloody housework. Why does it have to be a chore? You know what’s way more fun than scrubbing the shower on a Wednesday evening? Being INSIDE the shower, roaring drunk, scrubbing the shower singing your favourite tunes at full volume on a Wednesday evening (it’s practically the weekend, after all). Seriously, who in their right mind does housework sober? YOU ARE YOUR OWN BOSS IN THIS SCENARIO!!!! You’re allowed to be drunk! All I’m saying is, why would you do something unpleasant sober if you could be happy and tipsy while you’re doing it? Also, drunks don’t know their own strength – so your elbow grease is full of way more jacked gainz than if you were listlessly scrubbing sober. A word to the wise: always make the shower your final chore so that you can shower your grimy housework filth off while you’re at it.

If you need a pizza really bad but you also need a cab home and you can only afford one or the other, go into a pizza store and ask whether you can place a delivery order and also catch a lift there with the driver. No idea if this will work, but some of those places are staffed by 12-year-olds, so I reckon you could definitely get away with it if you offer them a tenner. Much cheaper than a cab, and you might make a lifelong friend!

Do you have a bored kitten at home while you’re off at work? Why don’t you get one of those maneki nekos – the Japanese “good luck” cats that have a waving arm, usually seen in specifically Chinese stores across the nation. Glue lucky kitty down to a surface so that it can’t be knocked over, then glue a feather, or bouncy stick or something tantalizing onto it’s waving arm. Your kitten will literally be entertained by another cat while you’re at work…. That’s pretty damn kawaii! <3

Going on holiday to somewhere fun? Why not try to round off your holiday with some VIP treatment in a banging rooftop club? All you have to do is find somebody to act as your manager who can call the club ahead of time and pretend to be a Person (do some research and get a legit name, don’t be a hack!) from Columbia Records. They then inform the club that Daft Punk are coming to the city for a night out and would like to patronise their club, and they’d like to book a VIP area. You then get your “manager” friend to dress real swanky and pretend to be your “minder” on the night, doing all the talking for you while you look around mumbling stuff in French, referring to each other as “Guy-Manuel” and “Thomas”. You spend a night partying like total celebs, with everybody kowtowing to you while nobody questions a goddamn thing because nobody really knows what the fuck Daft Punk even look like. WIN!

Go forth and prosper, my kitties.

Love, Akika xoxoxoxoxo