Akika says: How to Survive your Hangover like a Champ

By Geisha Bar

As it turns out, not all hangovers are created equal – some people are genetically predisposed to be struck with worse hangovers than others, and this is probably why you wake up feeling like Edward Scissorhands is massaging your temples, while your stupid smug mate is off at Crossfit or some other motivated bullshit at 6am.

Hangovers work as follows:
1. You drink
2. The alcohol is absorbed into your bloodstream through your intestines.
3. An enzyme in your liver reduces the alcohol into acetaldehyde and then further into acetic acid, which you lose through waste – leaving you with a build-up of acetaldehyde, which is what is responsible for all of that nonsense that makes you feel like ten bags of dicks. And if your body doesn’t break down the acetaldehyde in a timely manner, then you’re gonna feel even worse than normal.

Here’s how to combat this horror:
1. Drink a metric fuckload of water, both before you go to bed and when you wake up – hangovers are exacerbated by dehydration, so make sure you hydrate. Alcohol blocks your ability to create vasopressin, which results in your kidneys sending water straight to your bladder instead of much-needed parts of the body (which is why you have to pee all the damn time when you’re on the piss).
2. Drink lemonade, either with your alcohol or in the morning – some new research has shown that it helps the breakdown of acetaldehyde into acetic acid, minimizing the worst hangover symptoms.
3. Boost your blood and glucose levels by eating insulin-boosting starchy food such as bread, pasta and potatoes. Ease up on meat, dairy and sugar – except honey, which can help alcohol absorption along.
4. Try to stick to clearer alcohols – the dark stuff contains more impurities such as congeners, which will make you feel worse.
5. Have a small coffee with your painkillers (ibuprofen is mandatory) – the caffeine can make the painkillers kick in faster, and it also gives you a sense of general purpose, you lazy hungover mongrel.
6. Have two showers and wash your hair twice. Scrub yourself raw, and wear the cleanest, comfiest “cute” outfit you own. Put on a great pair of sunglasses to crush out your photosensitivity and get outside – that vitamin D will be awesome on your skin and you won’t even look hungover! You can literally trick yourself into being “not hungover” by virtue of these things alone.
7. If you’re going to call in sick to work, make it believable. Don’t call too early, you’ll seem suss. Don’t call too late, you’ll seem like you just couldn’t be fucked getting out of bed. Aim for that magical time where you can make out like you’re waiting for the medical clinic to open to try and get an appointment. Learn to sound hoarse and shit, and don’t pull a sickie unless it’s a really, really, bad hangover – because if you have to be at work and having no fun, then you might as well be hungover there instead of wasting your own downtime being hungover! (Make your boss work for YOU).

Now go forth and party!