This year I’ve started going to the movies a lot more – it’s not something I ever used to do because I was much more of a “wait until I can torrent, I mean, legally purchase it” kinda gal (that, and by the time I realised that a movie I wanted to see was out, it would have already left the cinemas!).

But this year I’ve become a real moviegoer. I’m a popcorn-munchin’, ticket-totin’ little cinemafile. This bitch knows which seats are the best in the house, and you better believe I know how to use a trenchcoat to my best ability.

My trusty trenchcoat is how I hide food in all me pocketses, along with some alcohol (because aren’t movies just that little bit more fun when you’re warm from the inside out?) – just keep it to a hipflask though, and then you add that to your drink once you’re in there. The food you bring in should all be sweet candy like M&Ms and discounted supermarket chocolate bars. Fuck paying $8 for that stuff at the movies (that’s actually how they make their money, because ticket costs only cover the screening of the movies!). The one thing that you DO want to buy there every time is the popcorn. That movie popcorn smells so good, I just want to plant my face into that shit and rail it like it’s 1978 at Studio 54. Do yourself a flavour and fork out for the popcorn. If you’re on a diet and can’t eat popcorn then just avoid the movies, honestly. Go eat a carrot at yoga or some wellness shit because here at the movies, we don’t fuck around with calorie counting. We’re here purely to eat, sit on our asses and be passively entertained!!!

I’ve become so at home at the movies that I’ve even been in my pyjamas a few times – all you gotta do is make sure they aren’t patterned, opt for a grey/black, then wear your trenchcoat over them. Luxuriously remove your trenchcoat in the theatre, turn it around, and BAM – you got yourself a snuggie, my cosy friend. A snuggie that is bursting at the seams with cheap chocolate and a hipflask of bourbon. Nice work, amigo. You’re here to party.

When you stagger out of the movie, all full of food and drink, your trenchcoat is also your security blanket. Nobody has to see that you now have a food baby! Just wrap that shit up and waddle on out of there. That’s right, home you go you hedonistic little Hoyts Ho. You’ll be back before you know it for your next fix.

Love, Akika xoxoxoxooxoxoxox